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They Said THIS In the Church Bulletin?

Heavens to Betsy! When you're spreading God's word, it's important to pay attention to commas and spelling and proper phrasing. If you don't, you may end up saying something other than what you really intended. And sometimes the result can be scandalous--or just funny as all get out. The following are excerpts from church bulletins nationwide.

Preach it!

--The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks On the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching For Jesus."

--At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Suffer the little children

--Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

--For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

--Sunday School: Children will be led in sinning and Bible study.

The Power of Prayer

--Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

--Don't let worry kill you. Let the church help.

--Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

After the worship service...

--This evening at 7 p.m. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

--Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

Ladies, Ladies

--The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

--Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

 --Ladies' Bible Study will be held Thursday at 10 a.m. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

--The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Which Door Do I Use?

--The Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.

--Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

No Good Deed Will Go Unpunished

--Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

--Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

How Much Money Should I Give?

--The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

For more often offbeat humor click here.

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