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st Years in Life Humor
Laughter is the Best Medicine
My First Trip to Destin Florida
by Tony M. Isaacs
Have you ever been to Destin, Florida?
I love the white sand beaches, moderate climate and beautiful clear blue ocean
there, although it's a much more touristy kind of place than it was about 30
years ago when I first went there with my father, step mother, half-sister, and
other family members. I remember that we checked into this one and a half star
motel right on the beach, next door to a new circular tower motel which had a
revolving restaurant on the top. Made my step-mother nauseous being in the
restaurant.
Anyway, when we first checked in we noticed that there was this big wooden tub
full of bottles of "Dark Tanning Oil With Genuine Coconut Oil" on sale in the
lobby for something like 2 bottles for a dollar. Hmmmm-just the thing for our
budget! So we splurged and bought like 4 bottles and the woman at the front desk
seemed so impressed that she threw two more bottles in for good measure!
Soon after we unpacked, we headed to the beach with our spiffy swim suits, our
relatively pale bodies glistening with ample amounts of the aforementioned
tanning oil. As soon as we got near the beach, this demonic bee that appeared to
be a cross between a bumblebee, a pissed off hornet and a kamikaze pilot began
to attack. So we began to dodge and swat as we continued toward the water. Then
another bee joined in and we dodged and swatted even more. Then another couple
of bees joined in and we began to look like the Grambling Marching Band
double-timing it to the beach. In only seconds, a whole swarm of bees was upon
us and the rout was on.
Thus began the famous Isaacs Family Forty Yard Desperation Dash to the Ocean. A
couple of the family tried to dive in the water where it was still only about 6
inches deep, thus burying their heads in the sand (a family specialty) and
exposing their nether regions (another family specialty). And a couple of the
more fortunate or more frightened ones of us hit the water so fast that we
continued running for another 15 or 20 yards on top of the water before we sank
beneath the surface.
Then there was my step-mother (heh, heh, heh). Yep, straight out of the chorus
line of Fantasia, but with inferior choreography,
a gaudier outfit, and large, pendulous breasts, thus came my stepmother, scattering sunbathers, small children and a few loose pets. With a high
pitched squeal and appendages flying in all directions, onward she came . . .
along with the main body of the swarm of bees. About 20 yards from the water,
her spasms and movements somehow organized into this unholy rhythm of jiggling
flesh, waving arms, waddling legs, and two enormous breasts that bounced
mightily back and forth from the vicinity of her lap all the way up to her face
and back. BAH-BLAM, BAH-BLAM, BAH-BLAM!
The entire crowded beach, which the rest of us now realized had been laughing
mightily at our perils, became silent in momentary awe. Except for the ones who
were squawking and scrambling to get out of her direct path. Even the bees
seemed to back off, although I think they did so mostly from a sense of self
preservation, since the mighty pendulums appeared to be exacting a toll of their
own on the bees which ventured into their path.
Finally, she reached the edge of the water, and, after about three more unsteady
steps fell facedown with a mighty splash into the aforementioned 6 inches of
water, momentarily scattering water, sand and bees. The crowd regained its voice
and many applauded and cheered. Others, like myself, just laughed. The rest of
our group rushed to her aid while the bees were still in disarray. With
considerable effort, they turned her over and drug her into the deeper and more
bee-safe water (thus starting a ritual that was later adopted by Greenpeace and
others along the west coast to save large beached mammals).
Once we had her in with the rest of us, in water up to our necks, we began to
gather our wits and ponder what had happened. As we sputtered theories of alien
visitations, abnormal sunspot activities and unusual planetary alignments,
another beachgoer paddled close by on an air mattress and said, "I guess you
folks bought the cheap tanning oil too. Don't feel too bad, my folks bought some
of that coconut oil crap when we first got here too. I'm not sure whether it
attracts those damn bees or just thoroughly pisses them off!"
If you liked this story, be sure to check out:
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The Revenge of the Jalapeño Toilet Paper
The Great Wind Point Fireworks Escapade