They Said THIS In the Church Bulletin?
Heavens to Betsy! When you're spreading God's word, it's important to pay attention to commas and spelling and proper phrasing. If you don't, you may end up saying something other than what you really intended. And sometimes the result can be scandalous--or just funny as all get out. The following are excerpts from church bulletins nationwide.
--The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks On the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching For Jesus."
--At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Suffer the little children
--Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
--For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--Sunday School: Children will be led in sinning and Bible study.
The Power of Prayer
--Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--Don't let worry kill you. Let the church help.
--Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
After the worship service...
--This evening at 7 p.m. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
--The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
--Ladies' Bible Study will be held Thursday at 10 a.m. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
--The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Which Door Do I Use?
--The Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.
--Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
No Good Deed Will Go Unpunished
--Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
How Much Money Should I Give?
--The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
How the Irish Learned to Dance
Training Your Adopted Dog
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house
and bark at anyone who comes in or walks
past. For this, I will give you a life
span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make
them laugh. For this, I'll give you a
twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren... And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone..
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.. I'm doing it as a public service.
How cheap coconut tanning oil and a
swarm of angry bees turned a family vacation upside down.
How cheap coconut tanning oil and a swarm of angry bees turned a family vacation upside down.
by Tony Isaacs
Have you ever been to Destin, Florida? I love the white sand beaches, moderate climate and beautiful clear blue ocean there, although it's a much more touristy kind of place than it was about 30 years ago when I first went there with my father, step mother, half-sister, and other family members. I remember that we checked into this one and a half star motel right on the beach, next door to a new circular tower motel which had a revolving restaurant on the top. The motion made my step-mother nauseous - which proved to be a minor irritation compared to what was to come.
For the rest of this rib-rocking, hilarious and mostly true story, click HERE.
Did Dinosaurs Cause Their Own Ex-stink-shun?
Many people have theorized that flatulence from cows, and the resultant methane, is a contributor to global warming. Which made me think about all the billions of dinosaurs which once existed and the relative size difference between dinosaurs and cows. Do you suppose they might have had contests, the way some modern day Neanderthals do?
Tallywhacker Bush Bats and the Doo Doo Eating Dog
by Tony Isaacs
One weekend about 20 or so years ago, (my God, has it been that long?) my cousin Jeff and I loaded up his son Jason, aged ten, and my son Sean aged eight, along with Jeff's black Rotweiler named Sam and off we went to four-wheel it through the marshy bottoms to camp out on Jeff's 43 acres of land that lies on both sides of the South Sulphur River. A few years later we built a cabin, but in those days our campsite consisted pretty much of tents, tarps and a wooden electrical cable spool that we used as a table
For the rest of this article, click here
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