Click above to Bookmark this page for yourself and/or share it with your friends
Click on the links below for "The Best" in:
The TBYIL Complete Supplement & Health Catalog
If you would like to donate to help us keep this web site active and growing, click on the button above. Much thanks! - Tony & Luella
The Best Years in Life Recommends:
Available Now!
Click on the image for more information
The plant you need to make your own home remedy for cancer, hepatitis-C & more may be growing in your back yard! Read all about this proven remedy plus much more on how to naturally beat illness and live a longer, healthier and happier life.
The Best Colloidal Silver
on the Planet
intraMAX™
100%
Organic MicroComplexed™
IntraCELL™ Level IV Technology ~
415 Nutrients All-In-One,
Perfect Whole Foods & Phyto
Nutrition ~ Super Energizing ~
All Natural Defense
The Most Scientifically Advanced, Clinically Proven, Health Promoting Organic Nutritional Supplement Available Today
Make the rest of your years
The Best Years in Life
The Revenge of the Jalapeno Toilet Paper
by Tony M. Isaacs
(The Best Years in Life) For many years I used to go camping with family and friends on practically every major holiday. On the Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years holidays, our camping outings usually began as soon as we concluded family meals and get-togethers and, more often than not, we would leave the family festivities and head down to a cabin we built deep in the woods on the banks of the South Sulphur river to camp out with just the guys.
Some people called those outings "hunting", but I thought of them more as "adult Halloween" - because we would get all dressed up in our spiffy stealthy hunting outfits and then proceed to build a blazing fire, cook up all kinds of tasty and smelly treats like chili and sausages and steaks and stews and buffalo wings and you name it, drink too much, play loud rock or country music, howl at the moon with the coyotes . . . and pretty much run all the game animals off for miles around. The only things that usually got killed were several twelve-packs of beer and more brain cells than I now want to think about! But it was a male-bonding annual ritual kind of thing that went on for about 30 years or so and we had way too much fun - sometimes at the expense of one another. And sometimes fate stepped in to lend a helping hand. Such as the time I remember as "the revenge of the jalapeno toilet paper".
You see, my cousin Jeff, who actually owned the land we camped on and who is a
world class prankster so long as the prank isn't pulled on him, always liked to
harass anyone who happened to have the misfortune of needing to use
the outdoor toilet whenever he was nearby. You never knew when a firecracker or
gun was going to go off just outside the little building or a horse apple or rock get
thrown into the side of the building with a loud BOOM, a lifelike snake get
poked under the edge of the building, or the building suddenly shaken mightily
accompanied by wild animal sounds. On this one fateful weekend, revenge came
sweetly and quite by accident.
It all began one night when
Les, my other cousin and Jeff's younger brother, and I were staying up
way past our bedtime, and way past Jeff's bedtime too, and we were doing our
mightiest to finish off the Crown Royal and Wild Turkey before they finished us
off. Finally when I staggered over to the shelf outside the cabin with the last
half of the bottle of Wild Turkey on it, I stumbled a bit and knocked over an
open jar of jalapeno peppers. By the time I could set the jar upright, the juice had
already ran across the shelf and wicked into a roll of toilet paper that was
setting out among our supplies. At first I thought, "Oh no, I've ruined a roll
of toilet paper" because sometimes toilet paper can become a very valuable
commodity deep in the woods. Especially if you've ever substituted leaves that
turned out to be poison ivy . . . but that's another story.
While Les laughed and poked fun at me for being such a clumsy
"doofus", I remember
thinking "Darn, if only it wasn't jalapeno juice maybe the toilet paper could
have dried out and still been serviceable in an emergency, but this roll is
going to have to go", but then I quickly forgot about it in the bourbon haze.
Now, it just so happens that Jeff is always the first one up and his morning
campout routine seldom varies. He wakes up, is sure to make enough noise banging
stuff around and getting the coffee ready to wake everyone else up (because he
figures that if he's awake, the rest of the world should be too) then he gets a
cup of coffee, takes a dip of snuff, and soon heads for the wooden one-hole
throne for a lengthy session. It's much the same at home, except at home he
skips the snuff (snuff is kind of a deep woods campout kind of thing) and substitutes the morning
paper for one of the girlie magazines he sometimes takes out to the toilet shanty. And,
when he camps out he more often than not cooks up an evening meal so spicy that
it will take layers of skin off your tongue, making the morning trips to the
shanty pretty dicey for one and all. As it turned out, he had outdone himself
the previous evening and cooked up a bowl of jalapeno and cayenne pepper laced
chili that would have made Wick Fowler cry, and had laughed heartily at Les
and myself when we tried to down a few bowls of the devils stew! Well folks,
sometimes what goes comes around, or perhaps better put, it all evens out in the
end.
Surely enough, the next morning, at an hour when only Roosters were supposed to be
up, Jeff, showing no mercy at all for our hangovers, as usual, loudly got up and
banged things around while making coffee so that it woke the rest of us up. Resigned to
the inevitable, Les and I staggered out of our sleeping bags, grabbed a handful
of Advils and our morning wake up drinks - coffee for me and Coca Cola for Les, and
tried to keep our eyes from opening too much so we wouldn't bleed to death. Then we shuffled over to the campfire and began to poke around in the coals and
rekindle the fire to ward off the morning chill. Meanwhile, cousin Jeff was
rummaging through the cabin getting ready to prepare breakfast and finishing off
his second cup of coffee and snuff. All of a sudden he came out of the cabin
door moving quickly, saying "Gotta go, gotta go! I feel a good one coming!" and
he grabbed a roll of toilet paper off the supply shelf as he rounded the corner
of the cabin and made haste towards the outhouse, red long johns flapping along
the way. About halfway to the outhouse, he turned his head back towards the
cabin and gave us a final comment, "Boy howdy, I sure don't look forward to
this after that chili and jalapenos last night". I think the word jalapeno must
have penetrated the fog of both Les and myself at the same time, because we
looked at each other, looked back at the shelf and the now-empty space where the roll of jalapeno juice
soaked toilet paper had been, and then looked back at each other. Les
almost spewed his mouthful of Coke and I clamped my hand over my mouth to keep
from laughing out loud.
Soon, all was quiet after Jeff entered the outhouse and Les and I looked at each other with
big smiles, barely contained snickers and wide eyes. For awhile, nothing
happened, and we began to wonder . . . but some things just take a while to work
themselves out, and with Jeff they often take longer than with others. All of
a sudden we heard an "OW!" and then another "OW", and then we heard "OH GOD!",
"OH LORD THAT BURNS!" ,"YEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!" and some other sounds that I'm not sure
how to spell - but whatever they were, they ended Les's efforts to hold his Coke
in his mouth as he spewed coke out onto the fire, making it sizzle and smoke
mightily. It
was almost enough to make me feel sorry for Jeff. Almost, but I was too busy
laughing.
Finally, after the noise abated to mere moans and groans, Jeff emerged from the
toilet, beads of sweat all over his face, and he began making an awkward,
bowlegged limp back towards the cabin and campfire. With one arm and hand wiping
the sweat off his brow and the other one pulling the seat of his long johns back
and forth and fanning his rear end mightily, he said "Man, oh man, that was about
the roughest time I've ever had in the crapper. I'm never gonna make my chili
that hot again!"
And to this day, he doesn't know the real story of the jalapeno toilet paper.
If you liked this story, be sure to check out:
Tallywhacker Bushbats and the Doo Doo Eating Dog
My First Trip to Destin, Florida
The Great Wind Point Fireworks Escapade
About the author
Tony Isaacs is a natural health advocate and researcher and the author of books and articles about natural health including "Cancer's Natural Enemy". Mr. Isaacs articles are featured at Natural News, the Health Science Institute's Healthiertalk website, the Crusador online, AlignLife, the Cancer Tutor, the American Chronicle and several other venues. Mr. Isaacs also has The Best Years in Life website for baby boomers and others wishing to avoid prescription drugs and mainstream managed illness and live longer, healthier and happier lives naturally. In addition, he hosts the Yahoo Oleandersoup Health group of over 2000 members and the CureZone "Ask Tony Isaacs - Featuring Luella May" forum.