Articles by Tony Isaacs
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The Revenge of the Jalapeno Toilet Paper
by Tony M. Isaacs
(The Best Years in Life) For many years I used to go camping with family and friends on practically every major holiday. On the Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years holidays, our camping outings usually began as soon as we concluded family meals and get-togethers and, more often than not, we would leave the family festivities and head down to a cabin we built deep in the woods on the banks of the South Sulphur river to camp out with just the guys.
Some people called those outings "hunting", but I thought of them more as "adult Halloween" - because we would get all dressed up in our spiffy stealthy hunting outfits and then proceed to build a blazing fire, cook up all kinds of tasty and smelly treats like chili and sausages and steaks and stews and buffalo wings and you name it, drink too much, play loud rock or country music, howl at the moon with the coyotes . . . and pretty much run all the game animals off for miles around. The only things that usually got killed were several twelve-packs of beer and more brain cells than I now want to think about! But it was a male-bonding annual ritual kind of thing that went on for about 30 years or so and we had way too much fun - sometimes at the expense of one another. And sometimes fate stepped in to lend a helping hand. Such as the time I remember as "the revenge of the jalapeno toilet paper".
You see, my cousin Jeff, who actually owned the land we camped on and who is a
world class prankster so long as the prank isn't pulled on him, always liked to
harass anyone who happened to have the misfortune of needing to use
the outdoor toilet whenever he was nearby. You never knew when a firecracker or
gun was going to go off just outside the little building or a horse apple or rock get
thrown into the side of the building with a loud BOOM, a lifelike snake get
poked under the edge of the building, or the building suddenly shaken mightily
accompanied by wild animal sounds. On this one fateful weekend, revenge came
sweetly and quite by accident.
While Les laughed and poked fun at me for being such a clumsy
"doofus", I remember
thinking "Darn, if only it wasn't jalapeno juice maybe the toilet paper could
have dried out and still been serviceable in an emergency, but this roll is
going to have to go", but then I quickly forgot about it in the bourbon haze.
Now, it just so happens that Jeff is always the first one up and his morning
campout routine seldom varies. He wakes up, is sure to make enough noise banging
stuff around and getting the coffee ready to wake everyone else up (because he
figures that if he's awake, the rest of the world should be too) then he gets a
cup of coffee, takes a dip of snuff, and soon heads for the wooden one-hole
throne for a lengthy session. It's much the same at home, except at home he
skips the snuff (snuff is kind of a deep woods campout kind of thing) and substitutes the morning
paper for one of the girlie magazines he sometimes takes out to the toilet shanty. And,
when he camps out he more often than not cooks up an evening meal so spicy that
it will take layers of skin off your tongue, making the morning trips to the
shanty pretty dicey for one and all. As it turned out, he had outdone himself
the previous evening and cooked up a bowl of jalapeno and cayenne pepper laced
chili that would have made Wick Fowler cry, and had laughed heartily at Les
and myself when we tried to down a few bowls of the devils stew! Well folks,
sometimes what goes comes around, or perhaps better put, it all evens out in the
And to this day, he doesn't know the real story of the jalapeno toilet paper.
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About the author
Tony Isaacs is a member of the National Health Federation and the American Botanical Council. He is a natural health advocate and researcher and the author of books and articles about natural health including "Cancer's Natural Enemy." Mr. Isaacs articles are featured at The Truth About Cancer, the Health Science Institute's Healthiertalk website, CureZone, the Crusador, Health Secrets, the Cancer Tutor, the Silver Bulletin, the New Zealand Journal of Natural Health, and several other venues. In addition, he hosts the Yahoo Oleandersoup Health group of over 3500 members and the CureZone Ask Tony Isaacs - Featuring Luella May forum. He is also the local moderator of the CureZone Cancer Alternatives forum. Tony and his partner Luella May hostThe Best Years in Life natural health website where their motto is "It's never too late or too early to begin living longer, healthier and happier lives."
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